Mr.peanutbutter said:
We're happy to have you here.
Thank you, it reassures me.

traz64 said:
Why? Other options exist.
I am not sure.
I can live with my mother or all alone. I am introverted. I never go out of my house except to buy food.
I do not have a job, I do not know how to talk to people, and it takes a lot of energy. And to make these efforts alone is unthinkable.

RyuZU said:
@Nuit, Hi, I have no experience, it can be cliche and maybe obvious, but I think it's best to talk to her about and see what the problem is and try to improve if it's you, maybe I'm naive, I've never dated/liked a girl that much to know what it's like to separate or the risk so far, so I am not qualified to say anything that will help.
It was precisely after a discussion that I realized this problem. I have noted the things she expects from me, and I will do my best to meet her expectations.
What she asks is rather normal.
That I get along better with her family, that I support her more often, that I teach her things, that I have a better social life and that I am less dependent on her, I guess.
And if all that exists, it's because I've been too bossy in the past, telling her not to put some outfits when we were younger, not to talk to some boys, that kind of things. I know I was totally wrong. Today she thinks that she can not consider me normally as a couple, and that she will always be resentful.
We have been in a relationship for over 10 years, at the time she was 12 years old and I was 15.

---
I do not know how "good" I am in English, do I make mistakes?
(I'm French)

Oh and today, I started reading "The Private Report on My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness" a good manga about loneliness.
Nuit said:
I do not know how to talk to people.
You've been talking to us without a problem.
Maybe you should see socializing as one big forum.
He is writing anonymously, not talking to unknown people in person, there is a big difference

Well my day or rather my week has been just annoying, too many stressful trips
I woke up, got ready, I took a bus, the traffic in the city was sucks, in town was having a clothes bazaar, was from a clothing company, it was selling clothes with "minor" defects for a lower price, yet high, since yesterday there are lines to buy, when I went to the center of a neighboring town today and came back there were still a lot of people in line, I wonder why so interested, and a lot of parked car, especially on the side street, on the way out of town the traffic was still bad, thanks to that I got late where I had to be, in the back was less worse.

When I got home I dug two ditches to bury two chickens, I've never seen so much Myiasis before, it's very disgusting, when an animal dies here, I usually bury hours later to not have to see these larvae, the two chicken died about two days ago, and it had hundreds of larvae, noticed that they were weird the day before they died, they didn't move, I don't know why, about a week ago I threw them food and they were normal, now I have only one fat chicken, she is angry, here there were several chickens and roosters before, the last rooster alive we killed him to eat, it wasn't worth it, the rooster was big and cool, the meat was hard, but he beat the chickens, some chickens have disappeared, 1/2 my dogs killed it, until only one remains, I have no affection for them, but it's a pity.

While I dug I saw several earthworm, I haven't seen in a long time, admire me that before I used to take this animal in my hand without feeling disgusted to fish, today i think i wouldn't take it, just with gloves, and has years I do not fish.
How often do you clean the chicken coop? Hearing two of your chicken die like that make me a bit concern.

My day is mostly spent trying to cough up a lung or two with the concessional stuffy nose. I would take some NyQuil or something, but that stuff always make me dizzy.
I haven't used chicken coop in a long time, the last chicken coop fell and we left the chicken free in the backyard, but they have nests, but still had to clean mainly because of the fleas, at least once a month where they lay eggs, they slept in a small tree when they didn't lay eggs, but only one left, this is in the nest, for some reason she didn't die.

I have relatives (grandfather) who have dozens of chickens and roosters on a mini farm, once was thrown meat to the chicken, one took the meat and ran the whole farm, another took and ran, and stayed in this cycle for a while, every time one took the meat and ran of the others, after a while they had not eaten yet, it's a lot of chicken, mostly are guineafowl.
...not only the day it's more the whole week.
Very stressful. Three exam in the week. I really want some spare time. :/
Wednesday and Thursday have been nothing but sad news upon sad news and I am sacred where my country is headed.
Oh god I just fucking cut my thumb open on a tin of cat food and it's bleeding and it hurts.
otaku_emmy said:
Oh god I just fucking cut my thumb open on a tin of cat food and it's bleeding and it hurts.
Run cold water on the cut it will help stop the bleeding.
ssagwp said:
Run cold water on the cut it will help stop the bleeding.
Shit I knew I was doing it wrong! But I needed to clean it too cuz it was a can of cat food! Augh!

I got a bandaid on it already, but woof. I don't ever have accidents like that either.
otaku_emmy said:
Shit I knew I was doing it wrong! But I needed to clean it too cuz it was a can of cat food! Augh!

I got a bandaid on it already, but woof. I don't ever have accidents like that either.
I personally don't prefer using a band aid on a cut. I just use a first aid ointment on the area where the cut is and leave the cut be (that is of course after I stop the bleeding).
ssagwp said:
Wednesday and Thursday have been nothing but sad news upon sad news and I am sacred where my country is headed.
I know how it is, I already accepted the fact that my country will always be shit, I'm doomed to it, but I'm not so interested in living in others countries, maybe 1 or 1.5, anyway, I'm currently very pessimistic about it, every day I stop and think, "How far have we gone?", but then I remember I don't need to worry about it, because next year will be worse.
All week I was traveling with heat with temperatures between 31 to 38ºC under the sun for hours, I really hate summer but at least it helped me a lot to overcome a trauma from the last year
Rainy day so staying inside right now. Feel like I'm being struck by a vacuum cleaner, but at least I got some new flooring in the living room and it looks nice.

Do anyone has plans for the Christmas week? I haven't yet.
Before I would visit my grandma and then probably go to the countryside (in the new year), due to some things this will not be possible this year, my christmas was almost always visiting relative or vice versa, but in the end I think I'll stay home playing games, watching anime or on the internet, damn, I gotta get a girlfriend.
RyuZU said:
I think I'll stay home playing games (...)
Remind me so much at the time years ago, when I was online on the 24.12. (That's the main day at christmas where I live) playing World of Warcraft xD But it was fun.

Well it's like every year. The 24th: I will stay home with my family. Try to protect the gifts from my cats. One of them has a fable for ribbons. He eats them like spaghetti 25th: going to my grandma and meet the other family members.
Nobody said:
How was your day?
Bad, I'm having dejavu from march of this year, my dog hurt his paw again and got larvae, the paw is swollen with 3 hole, in the store only had a 10kg dog pill, mine is 20kg pill, the owner said that as soon as the pill arrives at the store it will deliver here at home, then I will have to make the dog eat wait for the larvae to die and withdraw from it, it will be difficult, he is the size of a German Shepherd, he is a mix of German Shepherd with some breed, I have him since 2013, this is just one of the many problems I had with animals this month (dog getting sick, other dog hurt but it was less serious, fight between dogs, not to mention the chicken), to be honest, I'm tired of dealing with a lot of animals, when I live alone, I don't even know if I'll have animals, not that I hate it now, the only animals that don't give much trouble are the female cats.

I've seen too much larvae this year, this dog in March, hundreds in the 2 dead chicken, and now from that dog again, in a few days I'll not be disgusted anymore.
My day went pretty well.
Met up with a couple of friends that i haven't seen for a while.

Having some problems with my left big toe though. It's really fucking sensitive right now.
My day is neither good nor bad, my HD will probably arrive today or tomorrow, so I'm a little anxious, I was supposed to get it last month along with an ssd on black fraud/e, but when I looked the HD was already out of stock, it was good, thanks to that I got an external HD for a good price yesterday, but I didn't get an ssd due to the price of this external HD.

I already gave the pill my dog, I didn't remove the larvae, the hole was small to remove with tweezers, I would have to open a bigger one and it would hurt, but as the flesh regenerates it goes out I think, I say that because last time, I thought I had removed all, and still had some, they were stuck to the band I put on his paw.
I have been quite wet by the rain today traveling but I prefer that to the heat, it is also fun to see people fighting in the street for nonsense
Things were better with my girlfriend those last weeks, she told me she felt better, but...
Yesterday we had the same discussion, she wants to leave me.
I'm so sad today, I want to fix everything with the strenght I still have, but I don't know... I always have the phrase "I don't know what to do" in my head, for months.
I haven't eaten all day.
I'm hungry but at the same time I don't want to eat.
I feel disgust in me. These days when I'm sad I feel like throwing up.

She comes back in 3 days, I hope everything will be fine and that she will realize that she doesn't want to leave me now that we see each other again.
I hope with all my heart that everything will be for the best, because my life will never be good without her.
I feel like I am in the worst possible situation.
I am at home and I have not spoken to anyone for 2 months.
I want friends, but at my age (26 years old) I don't know how to do it. "Hey do you want to be my friend?" wouldn't work. And I don't want pity.

I thought I knew what depression was last year, but today I am deeper into the abyss.
And I'm afraid of being even more depressed next year.
"I don't know what to do..."
The worst thing you can do is don't do nothing and stay locked in your house with all your problems, and not talking to anyone at least to vent you will only make you feel worse, I know it very well because almost all this year I was also depressed but about a very different situation, I also isolated myself and I didn't want to talk to anyone which it made me feel the same or worse every day, maybe you don't like me saying this I don't know, but a psychologist can help a lot in those cases, that and going out as much as possible from my house helped me a lot to get out of that depressive state
Nuit said:
She comes back in 3 days, I hope everything will be fine and that she will realize that she doesn't want to leave me now that we see each other again.
I hope with all my heart that everything will be for the best, because my life will never be good without her.
If you don't do anything why would it improve? Get off the internet and get some professional help man.
Nuit said:
She comes back in 3 days, I hope everything will be fine and that she will realize that she doesn't want to leave me now that we see each other again.
I hope with all my heart that everything will be for the best, because my life will never be good without her.
Tell her how you feel and just be you.

And if you ever need someone to vent your frustrations, send me a dmail.
Why does she want to leave again? Because if she has valid reasons then it's probably best not to cling to her or make her feel like she HAS to be with you. That's toxic.

And, in the end, it's better to be alone than to force someone to be with you who doesn't love you the right way, or even respect you in some cases.

I get that letting her go is probably hard, but...sometimes it's sink or swim. Or try to float. But that's not part of the saying. Point is if you're not feeling well don't drag her down with you. Relationships, real ones. are a two way street. Give and take. One party can't keep taking if the other is being suffocated.

"Love worth fighting for" is kind of a lie, in that regard. It shouldn't be hard. There are lows and highs, but a relationship shouldn't be a constant struggle, two opposite forces always at odds.
Nepcoheart said:
maybe you don't like me saying this I don't know, but a psychologist can help a lot in those cases, that and going out as much as possible from my house helped me a lot to get out of that depressive state
First, don't worry it doesn't bother me to hear that. In fact, any answer makes me happy, it's better than having nothing at all. So thank you for telling me that and for being concerned about me.
Regarding going out, it would depress me. I'm not the type to go out, I'm an introvert. If I do, I will feel that I am forcing myself, and it would just make me sad. I have no friends, I won't be able to talk to anyone.
And I don't want to make friends on the pretext that I am depressed, they will only have pity for me. They will talk to me so I can be safe. They will not be friends. This is how I feel it.

traz64 said:
If you don't do anything why would it improve?
I'm not doing anything. Following her message the last time, there was her birthday and despite the distance (she's been in the United States for months) I managed to give her a nice surprise, then I went to see her parents without telling her and I sent her a photo of us.
It was difficult for me to be honest. I was also very positive and supported her whatever she did, without ever complicating the situation.
It is not easy to do this after a consecutive year of arguments.
She told me that she feels much better and she wanted to live with me again. But yesterday the discussion came back and it hasn't changed, so I'm rather afraid that it will be irremediable.

Mr.peanutbutter said:
Tell her how you feel and just be you.

And if you ever need someone to vent your frustrations, send me a dmail.
I often talk to her about how I feel, but right now it bothers her. She even avoids my feelings a little bit, but that's because she's still busy with her trip. And because I send her too many messages when I'm in bad shape.
But like I said, everything was fine except yesterday.
Thank you very much for your support, I'm really happy to know that, but I don't want to bother you and your kindness with my problems. This is not what will help me.

otaku_emmy said:
Why does she want to leave again? Because if she has valid reasons then it's probably best not to cling to her or make her feel like she HAS to be with you.
I totally agree, and it hurts me more than anyone that she wants to leave me...
In fact, the reason seems obscure to me. I was bossy with her for years, then we spent last year arguing. She's been thinking about leaving me for a year now apparently, and I think the problem is there, it's in her mind now. And I would like to erase that, and erase all the bad years by other years without any arguments.
And I feel capable to do so. Seriously, I have changed for the better.

otaku_emmy said:
"Love worth fighting for" is kind of a lie, in that regard. It shouldn't be hard. There are lows and highs, but a relationship shouldn't be a constant struggle, two opposite forces always at odds.
She would agree with that. I also agree.
But at the same time, in relationships there are things to face if you want to spend your life together. My "fight" is to comfort her, to apologize to her about the past, to make her understand that I am the man she wants. It's like seducing her again, erasing the bad feels she has accumulated about me. I don't think I'm toxic, since I'm not holding her back. I just want to try again, and I think she wants it too. She loves Me. And love is something to keep as a precious memory that you don't want to see disappear. But more than that, I think about the future and the next memories that we will be able to have, and not just the past.

---

Talking to you makes me feel good, it's what brings me closest to friendship at the moment, so it gives me a little comfort. (Thanks guys, girls, and others.)
Nuit said:
Thank you very much for your support, I'm really happy to know that, but I don't want to bother you and your kindness with my problems. This is not what will help me.
No problem.

And if you ever change your mind, my dmail page always has a spot for you.
Nuit said:
I don't think I'm toxic
I very much disagree.

You said:

I have a girlfriend. But that's the only thing I have.

And because I send her too many messages when I'm in bad shape.

But like I said, everything was fine except yesterday.

I was bossy with her for years, then we spent last year arguing.

and I think the problem is there, it's in her mind now. And I would like to erase that, and erase all the bad years by other years without any arguments.

I totally agree, and it hurts me more than anyone that she wants to leave me...

She loves Me.
On an unrelated note: For english not being your first language "irremediable" is one hell of a word.
I got a new pair of shoes today. They were 40% off. They're entirely black, and they're men's work shoes. I was not aware that they were work shoes, but I suppose that doesn't matter. In theory that should make them more comfortable to walk around in. They're memory foam too.

I also got a golden "XL" metal tumbler. The kind that keeps your drink cold for 24 hours. I pretty much wanted it because it was on sale. Never underestimate the sway a good sale has over a woman.

Tomorrow we're taking the dogs to have their picture taken with Santa (PetSmart is doing free pics from noon to four). We're putting them both in Christmas sweaters. It's going to be great.

Nuit said:
I don't think I'm toxic
You might not be, but the situation definitely sounds like it is. Plus you don't sound like you're in great mental shape either. Or emotional...shape. Which isn't helping said situation.